A Calypso in Search of a Rhyme
I said earlier that constructing light verse is like an engineering project, and that the rhyming must be precise. But rules are made to be broken; you just have to know what you’re doing.
This is the only one of these Reviews in Verse that was written to be sung. (The others have been sung to various tunes at science fiction conventions, but that’s not my doing.)
The first time Poul Anderson heard this one sung, he laughed. Now he just looks pained. Too much of a good thing.
The song is, as the subtitle says, a calypso. It sounds best when done with a broad Jamaican accent.
Here’s a tale of knighthood’s flower
And of one man’s finest hour:
The story of a most strange land,
Of Holger Carlsen’s little band,
Of fights with trolls and giants, and
The winning of a swan-may’s hand.
By one of Denmark’s noblest scions.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Lions!
Holger Carlsen’s fighting Nazis;
While he’s dodging their pot-shots, he’s
Wounded badly in the head,
But he does not fall down dead,
Nor go to hospital bed,
But to Middle World instead.
Magic here holds sway, not science.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Lience!
When he wake up, there beside him,
Stands, for Carlsen to ride him,
A horse with armor, shield and sword,
Clothing and misericord,
Fine enough for any lord;
Holger Carlsen climb aboard.
Hungry, he must search for viands.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Liands!
Holger rides up to a cottage,
Where an old witch offers pottage.
“How can I get home?” says he.
“Well,” the witch says, “seems to me
That thou ought to go and see
Good Duke Alfric in Faerie.
He will aid in gaining thy ends.”
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-ends!
Off he rides to land of Faerie
With Hugi, a dwarf who’s very
Dour and speaks much like a Scot
(Which he may be, like as not),
Though ofttimes he talks a lot.
Next the sex come in the plot.
(Please don’t take offense at my hints.)
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-hints!
Here she is, named Alianora;
Holger really does go for her.
She can change into a swan
And go flying on and on.
She make friends with doe and fawn;
He feel love about to dawn.
But he’s pure, so pardon my yawns.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-yawns!
Off to Faerie they go quickly,
Where the light is dim and sickly.
Alfric and Morgan-le’Fe
Ask Holger to spend the day
‘Neath Elf Hill not far away;
He is saved by his swan-may;
Beneath that hill, one night is eons.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Leons!
Off they flee across the border;
Spooks pursue on every quarter;
First a dragon overhead
Holger Carlsen kill him dead;
Next a giant huge and dread
Who is looking to be fed.
Holger holds him in abeyance.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Leyance!
“Fight with riddles,” says the giant;
Holger Carlsen’s quite compliant.
So they fight with quip and pun
Till the U-V of the sun
Hit that giant like a gun.
“He’s stoned!” says Holger, “Now let’s run.”
All the air is filled with ions.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Lions!
Next they ride into a village
Where a werewolfs bent on pillage.
Who the warg is, folks can’t guess.
Holger Carlsen solves the mess,
And he makes that warg confess
She’s the local young princess.
“Now,” he says, “it’s out of my hands.”
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-hands!
When the village folk release ‘em
On to Tarnberg go the threesome.
By a good mage they are told
They must find a very old
Sword, that’s worth its weight in gold
At St. Grimmin’s-in-the-Wold.
He found this out at a séance.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Leance!
Meanwhile, they have met a knightly
Saracen, with manners sprightly.
Northward they all head apace,
Searching for that dreadful place.
But the swan-may’s pretty face
Is hurting Holger’s state of grace.
“Should I,” says he, “yield to my yens?”
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-yens!
Holger’s kidnapped by a nixie
(That’s an underwater pixie).
Nixie, who is on the make,
Drags Holger beneath the lake.
“This is more than I can take!”
Holger says, “I’ll make a break.
Come on,” says he, “let us flee hence!”
(Chorus) Spoken: Flee hence?
Spoken: Uh—fly hence?
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-hence!
Now to blast their hopes asunder,
They find that they must go under
Neath a mountain, where a troll
Lurks in his disgusting hole.
They kill him and head towards their goal;
Holger says, “Now, bless my soul,
That was worse than fighting giants.”
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Liants!
Now, though it’s no place for women,
They come to church of St. Grimmin.
Round the altar they all flock:
Holger pries up big stone block
There is sword beneath the rock;
Holger says, “Now, this I grok!
We found it, though surrounded by haunts.”
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-haunts!
End of story! Jesu Christe!
Seems to me it’s kind of misty.
He should be belted and earled,
But through space-time he is hurled,
And, un-knighted and un-girled,
He ends up in our own dull world.
His future’s vague as that of Zion’s.
(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Lions!